Now Playing Review

Prisoners takes too many; Don’t enlist in World War Zzzzzzz

lars logoNOPE - It’s a pretty safe bet when a film opens up using the Lord’s prayer through narration that it doesn’t have total faith in its own material.

Doesn’t take long to learn why not.

The opening scene shows a teenaged boy deer hunting in the woods with his father. The boy takes aim, the dad looks on. Poignant. Profound. Dead calm. Blam! Down goes Bambi. Dropped like a bad habit. A victim of the food chain paradox.

I’m still scratching my head as to how that particular metaphor pertained to Prisoners, the child abduction revenge thriller that presently claims number one status at the box office.

I’m baffled that audiences are enjoying this lame brained film.

Here’s what I witnessed:

PrisonersHugh Jackman attempting to play a small town blue-collar head of family (named Keller Dover?), husband to Maria Bello, father of two. Jackman is about as believable here as a simple family man as Nathan Lane would be playing a mob boss. Now that we know he’s a song and dance man, the ten shades of anger act is tedious.

His young daughter gets kidnapped, along with the neighbor’s girl; and that’s when the stupid kicks in to high gear.

It becomes clear to me that the small town that Jackman and his clan reside in must be called Moronville, as their local missing child case, complete with candle light vigils and omnipresent news coverage, is soon to be spearheaded by apparently the only available detective in the zip code.

Enter Jake Gyllenhaal. A gloomy incompetent homicide detective (Detective Loki?) with a dramatic gang land tattoo on his neck, greasy hair, and cryptic never-explained tattoo markings across his knuckles. This guy is such a dour dud he works alone – not good for Jackman’s daughter and her potential for reaching the third grade. This guy couldn’t tell you how the cow ate the cabbage if he had a farmer’s manual. And why does he work alone?

Oh yeah, cuz he works in Moronville.

Enter Jackman’s neighbors, played shockingly with one note melodramatic aplomb by the gifted Viola Davis and the usually dynamic Terrence Howard. These two actors should have had one last conversation with their agents and asked something pertinent like “Is there any possibility the final script will have me doing something relevant?”

Answer would have been “Nope, sorry. You’re just a couple of hapless residents of Moronville.”

I better stop this rant before I have to type the words Spoiler Alert. I only wish someone had pulled me aside and alerted me to the spoiled mess of a movie I would be subjecting my intellect to.

My time spent in Moronville with these boobs has left me bitter and broken.

NOW ON DVD

World War Z…can’t really say I remember much about it. Lame story, forgettable performances, and very forgettable zombies. Again, having a hard time understanding why all the positive reviews. Maybe it’s just been a sluggish year for films? Bring on David O. Russell’s American Hustle and Spike Jonze’s Her! Even a little curious about Ridley Scott’s Counselor.

One thought on “Prisoners takes too many; Don’t enlist in World War Zzzzzzz

  1. Pingback: 12 Years a Slave survives uneven script | Lars Beckerman

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